Friday, July 24, 2009

MS and 'New Piorities'

As much as I love him I wonder if he'd be happier on his own sometimes. He seems envious of his single friends. One in particular. If that sounds a bit jealous on my part, honestly, I think I am in some ways. I don't want to smother him, but sometimes he doesn't think before he acts. I know he's worried about what the future has in store for him. But that is true for all of us. I know he loves me and I am secure in that. I just hope he doesn't have a mid-life crisis on top of everything else.

This disease, I think, has made him rethink his priorities. Family and friends are still important, but accomplishments and goals are moving up. The old adage 'He who dies with the most toys wins' is one that he seems to be living by these days. I'm not saying that he's being selfish at all. I'm just noticing a difference in the way that he approaches things as of late. This is not me judging him. This is me noticing changes in the man that I love. Not always negative changes, just little things that once meant something to him are no longer as important. No, I can't really make a list, its just what I've noticed as of late.......

The intimacy we once shared has most definitely changed. I know he has a lot on his mind and that stress and fear are playing a big part in how we are relating to each other behind clothes doors.. I have recently brought up the possibility of seeing a professional. Hes was very receptive of this. So, I'm trying to set something up for him through his PCP. So that is a positive step for us both and is in the works. I don't want to bombard him with too much all at once. But I too am having some issues. I don't want to sound like "poor me" here but my part in this is big. We just bought our first home. The only reason I went along with this is because it was a dream of his to own his own home one day. I had and continue to have so many reservations. What happens if the unmentionable occurs. If he can no longer work. When he can no longer work. I don't think he has seriously accepted that he has a incurable disease. I can't blame him for that. I wouldn't want to face something of that magnitude. Although I myself was dx with RA 8+ yrs. ago. He doesn't think mine is comparable to his. I find it hard to complain of pain in front of him because he just says something like "try living with it 24/7". Before he was dx he was very compassionate regarding my RA. He has always taken very good care of his family. When I read this all back it sounds so petty. I don't mean it to at all. But then I too have the right to be happy and I know I would be unhappy without him in my life. Sometimes it feels like we are two people working for 2 different goal, and I just pray that we will meet somewhere in the middle.

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